NEWS FLASH

Having actually branched out and finally paid to join Guardian Soulmates whilst also signing up to freebie OkCupid - just on the off chance that there might be more / better people lurking over there, I have realised that people can actually see how well liked you are and how you use your online account.

This takes stalking and responding to people to a whole new level because you are therefore forced to wear your popularity and politeness on your sleeve – as if it wasn’t bad enough that you have a photo dominated profile with ridiculous questions that are supposed to help the site match you to a suitable partner.

            On Guardian Soulmates you can see who’s looked at or liked your profile, and if you then choose to send them a message, a decision that will no doubt be influenced by the “match” score you receive on account of the types of food you like and whether you want to spend your retirement writing a novel or sailing the seven seas (this is one of their non-compulsory-but-strongly-advised multiple choice questions that they use to match you with other ‘potential soulmates’) then you can even see if the recipient has read the message. I can tell you, when that little pink envelope turns grey and there is no reply the next day, the temptation to send a follow up email to ask where abouts you went wrong in profile presentation and message construction is almost too much to rein in.

            As for OkCupid, that’s even worse – the calibre of question that they think you need to answer to be successfully matched astounded me – Do you agree or disagree that in the right light, nuclear war might be kind of exciting? Really? Nothing is quite so shaming as the little tabs that appear under your name when people are running generic profile searches. Each profile has a little box that either says: “Replies regularly”, “Replies selectively” or “No one has contacted them this week”. People can see when you’ve had absolutely no interest all week! Good God, this thing is horrific!