Miss Fifi Update 4

I can report that I had a lovely time the other evening enjoying fine wine, delicious food and good chat with a boy…disappointingly though, this man wasn’t sourced from militant trawls through POF, but my old friend The Faux Boyfriend.

We have that rarity of male and female friendship that for over 6 years, has not once been marred by as much as an accidental snog or drunken groping. Despite getting on like a house on fire, we have a mutual understanding that however many M&S meals for two we share, or Sunday’s spent with eggs benedict in Clapham’s coffee shops, we will never be anything but good friends. The Faux Boyfriend, like many of my good friends, has been unusually keen to meet up recently – clearly, to mock my internet dating exploits!

So, I filled him in on my less than perfect dates with The Cute Geek and The Weird Fish – stories which left The Faux Boyfriend spluttering out his glass of merlot with laughter. I also confessed to him an incident from last Saturday, when I was kissed (note who’s the perpetrator), by a suave stranger on a snowy Battersea street at 1am. Admittedly, this was not my finest hour, as said stranger later casually mentioned a live-in girlfriend. The Faux boyfriend tutted and shook his head at this escapade, whilst demanding access to my POF messages as punishment for my ridiculous behaviour.

For your viewing pleasure, here are a few of our favourites – crimes against punctuation, spelling and common decency are the author’s own:

1. Hi hun, saw your profile and thought I’d send you a message to say hi. So about me, I’m 27 and live in south London too. I like keeping fit as well – in fact, I think my biggest achievement was losing 10 stone over last year. Perhaps we could meet up and get sweaty? LOL x


2. hi there i just looked at your profile and liked what i saw and wondered if you would like to chat sometime if not its cool. Do you like the pic of my baby chantel? Be nice if you could maybe meat her somtime. anyway i wish you all the be on here and hope you find your mr right soon take care hun. xx


3. Hi, so say we lived together and you walked past my room and saw me w***ing what would you say? Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


Er..so I hardly need to mention that none of the above received a response. After reading these and the other "interesting" messages I received, The Faux Boyfriend was clearly caught somewhere between absolute horror and crippling laughter.
           "Fi, you REALLY need to get off this site" he said emphatically, as he emptied the wine into our glasses. I think he may have point!