Drowning in proverbial salt

The Word Smith is quickly turning into one of my favourite online correspondence companions. I can’t quite work out if he’s hilarious or so very mental that it’s unreal, but here’s where we’re up to so far in the super exciting Scrabble banter (continuing from our original chat here):

Miss P: You sound like a pro at this game! Are you a wiz at pub quizzes too? Oh, and thank you for advising against the use of the word ‘bum’ as a Scrabble opener. Who knew there could be such a minefield to navigate when you’re just trying to score points against your housemate! It sounds like a much more dangerous game than I initially appreciated.

Him: Well, there is no such thing as subtlety in Scrabble!

Miss P: So it would seem.

Him: Well, I hope you have a good fame this evening (I sound so middle-aged). Meanwhile, I will turn to the Harvard International Review for the next hour, before finishing off some matters for work*.

*Please read this with a pinch of the proverbial salt

**A very impressive Scrabble word

Um, am I supposed to know which bit of this chat I should take with proverbial salt…the work bit or the Harvard International Review bit? Maybe it’s time to go and play on Google.

New Google Search: What the bloody hell is the Harvard International Review, and if I’m so stupid that I don’t know what it is, will I be able to understand it if I were to try and read it? Search. 

Anyone for Scrabble?

Ok, it’s not going to be one to tell the grandkids, not even close. But below is a little chunk of some of my favourite online dating correspondence to date.

You might think that all you get on these sites are weird, sex obsessed prisoners (if Tits McGee’s recent discovers are anything to go by), but when I came across a little choppy (aka The Words Smith) who doesn’t drink (WTF?!) but who likes word play, I couldn’t help but send him a little geeky salute:

Miss P: If you’re a fan of word play, does this mean that you’re amazing at Scrabble? My housemate has just started to insist on playing it all the time, and I’m absolutely rubbish at it – any handy hints would be most welcome.

Him: Sure.

1)     - Avoid any words with a sexual connotation, as this will invariably lead to your opponent thinking you dim. Your opponent is then likely to try his hand at various tricks to take advantage of your perceived difficulty with words;

2)     - Aim historical words, where pronunciation is not easily implied by the arrangement of letters in the word;

3)     - Like chess, Scrabble is just as much a game of psychological warfare as it is a test of your vocabulary. Therefore, try to remain unflappable throughout the battle, even in the face of a “crap hand of letters”.

Happy scrabbling!

Miss P: Duly noted! I guess always opening with words like “Bum” was never going to be a great starting point (that’s a joke…sort of). I’m not sure I’ve got the know how to remain unflappable as you suggest, but I’ll give it my best shot and see how I go. Wish me luck!

Him: Good luck!  Well, yes, best not start with the word bum, unless you’re playing against a male opponent, and are prepared for him to read it as a terribly subtle hint that you think your bum is beautiful and that he should take the hint. A word like dyspeptic may lead you towards a triple word score!

I don’t really think I’m quite high-brow enough for this one. I don’t even think I know what dyspeptic means, let alone how to spell it in the heat of some intense Scrabble warfare! 

A love poem - ciao!

I’m not really sure what to do with this one, but a very moustached man emailed me today, asking if I fancied a chat - I hope you will understand why he won't be getting a response. He signed off with a ciao and a smiley face, and then wrote:

A Love Poem…

Title: Ardita Zanzaretta

Composer: Carlo Gesuadio

A bold gnat

Bites the woman who destroys my heart and keeps it

In such cruel pains;

Then it flees and flies back again

To that lovely breast which steals away my ear;

Then she seizes it and squeezes it and kills it –

A happy fate for it.

I shall bite you, too,

My sweet beloved, and

If you seize me and squeeze me, ah I shall succumb,

Tasting sweet poison on that lovely breast…”

Now, I haven’t got a degree in literature or anything like that, but I am pretty sure that this is more of a sex poem than a love poem, and seeing as it was sent by a middle aged man that looks a bit like Josef Fritzl, that makes it utterly inappropriate in my mind. These must be the sort of people that you get warned about meeting when you date online, and for good cause it would would seem. Delete. 

Yet another classic

How’s this for an opening line:

“Sweetheart you and I should totally make babies together!! They would be so hot ha!! Have you found the love of your life on here yet? If not, I’m up for the job!!”

Applicant DENIED.

Tits McGee Update 2

Having had a bit of a chat with one of the less-crazy-than-most boys I’ve met online, it turns out that we girls are not the only ones that get sent really crazy messages on these scary sites.

            Here’s a classic that might go some way to explain why this particular young lady was still single and having to look online:

“You have taken my heart,

Give it back!

But you can’t just give it back,

It belongs to you!

So the only way for me to get my ear back,

Is for you to belong to me!

Be mine, be mine,

Cause my heart is yours.”

Wowza, I hope he went and checked on the status of his pet bunny after he received that one!

Essay Grade B-

The Personality Twin is maybe not going to be the ideal match for me after all. Having had a little bit of back and forth with him via email, this Saturday morning I received a reply that was literally the length of two A4 pages of normal type. I opened the email as I was trying to run out the door, and it quickly became apparent that it was going to take a fair while to wade through the whole thing.

            From the opening line, I think you will understand what I mean:

“Thank goodness it’s the weekend! I hope your disaster of a week turns into a storm in a teacup or a damp squib…“

I can only say it was a good thing that I had a hour long train journey ahead of me, and I’d forgotten my book. Who needs Wuthering Heights for company when you’ve got dating emails to keep you entertained?

            It was most definitely the lengthiest email I have ever received from a boy (and I was seeing a guy that lived on the other side of the world for a while). It was actually more of an essay, one that if I had to grade I would probably give a B-. It was witty and fairly interesting, but he loses points for that fact that I had to concentrate so much on reading it.

            I think that, once I have built up the energy to pen and reply, I’m still going to stick with this one and see how it goes. It turns out that his choir has a concert at St Martin in the Fields in a few weeks, and he mentioned that if I was in the area, I ought to stop by.

Is it wrong that I really, really want to go, even if I don’t necessarily want to meet him? I can’t help but think that this would be the perfect opportunity to get a glimpse of him in real life without having to be in an awful face-to-face date environment. This way, if he’s nothing like the pictures, I can walk away and not even have had to spend the cost of a drink and a night of forced politeness, plus I get a pleasant night of classical music for my troubles. 

Tits McGee Update 1

Some girls have all the luck. Tell me, how can you not go weak at the knees from a classy introduction like this:

“Hi baby, what’s up? You look good. Am in jail. Send me your number. Xx”

Yeah, I’m definitely getting the pick of the litter here.