Biting the bullet

Right, enough is enough. I’ve moped about, hating pretty much everything about the idea of online dating for long enough – it’s time to bite the bullet, pay the subscription fee to open up the final part of my profile and actually get involved in this vile game.

            I had a slight wobble about doing this when I walked past the worlds most attractive solider on my way to work this morning and thought for a split second that maybe I ought to be one of those awful girls that sign up to Uniform Dating despite the fact that I often wear jeans to work, but I just can’t bring myself to do it.          

            So, I’ve paid my fee, finished my profile, and sent out three, yes three (check me out) messages to strangers. Admittedly, they all look pretty much the same (to be honest, they all look a bit like the solider I saw earlier), but regardless, I feel like I’ve jumped in now, and seeing as I’ve paid and everything there is surely only one thing for it – doing it whole heartedly. I hate wasting experiences, so I suppose that I might as well get my hands well and truly dirty and see how I do.

            That said, I do have to admit that I only signed up for one month rather than one of their bargain 3 or 6 month deals. Regardless of what happens, I am pretty sure this is going to last me through February and then I’ll be on my own again for Mad March. I love Mad March!

Boy shopping

I hate shopping nearly all of the time – every so often I will have a burst of enthusiasm that will lead me to spend a months wages in one afternoon, but that’s pretty much the best I can do, so I’m finding the whole online dating this a little weird.

            Aside from the fact that I am now spending my time scrolling through pictures of boys on the internet (something I have a little bit of experience in – thank you Facebook stalking skills), I can now ‘like’ them, which effectively files them away into a nice little shopping basket for me to refer back to and scan occasionally when I think that maybe it’s worth sending out some random generic email to hundreds of people all at one.

            Not loving this game so far chaps, I can’t lie to you!

Online success!

Sugar M was the first of us newbies to bite the bullet and kick start her online profile, and now she’s also taken the chequered flag at getting herself out on a date she found online, and she liked him. It’s a massive success story, well you know, within reason:

“Just thought I would update about my evening with JC. It actually went surprisingly well. He’s good-looking, really funny (lots of un-PC jokes) and we got on well. As most girls should on a first date, I got pretty shit faced, so who knows what I said to him and whether I will ever see / hear from him again – but it’s definitely notput me off internet dating! So much so, I’m going to do some more boy shopping this weekend…

I have to admit through, I have deleted my POF account – too many topless chavs!”

She’s not the first of us to be slightly put off from POF, where is seems the ability to create a free profile and generally be as creepy / stalky as you like makes for a slightly unpleasant date fishing experience. The Traveller is planning to delete her profile on there (just as soon as I find the time to write her My Single Friend intro – I’m on it, I promise!), and I am pretty sure I’m turning my one off too.

POF, you might have got Sugar M her first date, and The Sausage Hunter may swear by you, but you seem to creep the rest of us out quite a bit!

Personals

To all the boys out there who are actually trying to use online dating to meet someone, not just as an excuse to be a dirty pervert, I have a little message for you.

            Whilst it’s very nice that you send messages to people, and it’s always friendly to include something positive about the profile and pictures of the person that you’re writing to, if you are just copy and pasting the same message to hundreds of girls at one, we can actually tell. Not all girls get overwhelmed and giggly at a compliment and fail to see that the actual content of the message is 100% generic.

            For example, the following is a bit mental and crazy, but if you put that to one side, it’s an essentially overwhelmingly nice message. An overwhelmingly nice message without a single reference to the person you’re writing to, apart from the fact that you have actually confirmed they are female (well done you). Try not to vomit whilst you’re reading this, and tell me that he’s not blatantly sending this to the entire female population of this particular site:

“Hi gorgeous girl…morning!! I am new on this website and I don’t know how does it work but you look incredibly beautiful. I am sitting in my office and looking at you. You made my dark room look so bright now. I like what you have written on your profile and I found you the most decent girl out here. I really like your smooth silky hair, your mona lisa smile and your killing looks. I think you have a great personality and I respect you for that. You are brilliant!!!!”

Ok, so perhaps he has one message for each hair type, but other than that, really?!

            I suppose it’s finally starting to make sense why so many people who can’t face life in the real world find love in online chat rooms and dating sites without ever having to meet the person in question. If there’s anyone out there who wants a bit of a confidence boost, who is willing to believe absolutely any strange foreign man will say to them, then they need look no further than pof.com. 

No likey - no lighty!

In my previous post, I mentioned a lack of enthusiasm about replying to people who fall 100% into my ‘not going to reply’ pile, and I just thought I would give you a bit of an example.

            Below is a snippet of a profile from a man who shall remain nameless, but who ‘liked’ my profile yesterday. I have no idea what that really achieves, other than to draw my attention to him, but I hopeful that the girls agree this sort of communication doesn’t require a response, because, well, look:

“Some things I like:

Movies. A few years ago I decided to see how many films I could see in a year. I didn’t go crazy – I mostly just watched films instead of watching telly in the evening. The total was somewhere between 150 and 200. (To clarify, he spent a year trying to see how many films he could watch, but forgot to count as he was going. Good use of time!)

Music. I especially like singers who don’t sing properly. I take my music in album form. I also really like watching cover bands. (Singers who don’t really sing?)

Stand-up comedy. I’ve been obsessed with comedy my whole like. I love going to shows and never tire of geeky analytical discussions. (Yep, because analytical discussion is what stand-up comedy is all about!)

People-watching. Look at his weird face. Stop, he’s seen us. (Great times.)

Cryptic crosswords. Yeah. (I think I’m supposed to be impressed here – either that, or I’ve misunderstood his slightly random use of the word ‘yeah’, which is more than likely).

I have got a horrible feeling that looking to find someone online is going to be a long draw out process. Maybe I should only ever check my account when drunk? That might give back the comedy edge that currently has been replaced with a creepy-uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Rules of engagement

Ok, my profile is now live; dodgy pictures, slightly inaccurate sales pitch of my personality and all. For some reason, whilst I was just window-shopping on the site (pre-actual profile), it seemed like a great idea and the doorway to endless dating opportunities. Now, it feels like a looks based popularity contest, and the idea of my face being up there and in the mix is utterly terrifying.

I had been live for about ten minutes before I got two responses to my half uploaded profile – smooth, Miss P, smooth! Fortunately, I decided that I was able to assume that, seeing as they were responding to pictures and not content, I didn’t actually have to reply to or acknowledge them, but now I’ve had a couple of  ‘Likes’ (cringe) and messages from people who’ve had a proper look over my profile, and I’m curious, do I actually have to reply to everyone that contacts me?  

            It seems like a weird thing to say, but in my head, every single outreach of communication warrants a response – I’m one of those suckers that always has to say “No thank you” to the Big Issue sellers, who stops to tell the charity fundraisers that I don’t have time to stop as I have to get back to work, and at work, I reply to each and every outreach email and call, even when they tell me not to bother. Maybe it’s politeness, or maybe it’s just that I hate leaving a conversation hanging and only half complete. Regardless, you can imagine my discomfort at basically ignoring people who are trying to play the same game as I am, and more so, because they have been brave enough to make contact, whilst I am currently keeping quiet and just trying to get used to the whole thing.

Do I want to start communication with pretty much all of the people that have contacted me so far? No, no I don’t. Do I want to reply to them? No. Would I, if there weren’t rules to be stuck to? Hells no. But that’s just so rude! Plus, it’s a game, and I want to make sure that I’m playing it properly. I don’t want to be the one that breaks the rules, but I also don’t want to be the sucker that ends up having long and drawn out emails with a man I am clearly never going to meet, who just wants to talk to someone about his love of sci-fi.

I suppose, seeing as the whole point of Slutty Suppers is that we get to open these questions up to the floor and get some feedback from our fellow sluts, I am going to need to refer back to the rule makers and breakers. I’ll be sure to let you know what the general opinion is on this one. God, I hope they don’t tell me that I have to email back each and every crazy that approaches me. Please, please, please!

Pick of the bunch

I’ve been trying to create a profile for my chosen dating site – Guardian Soulmates (ooooh, check me out, trying to find a hot single intellectual – apparently) and I am having an absolute mare with it (yes, I said mare - just because they are all intellectuals, that doesn’t mean I have to be!).

How the bloody hell are you supposed to whack a summary of your personality down in a couple of lines and then be confident that you can bag a nice pretty, but not too pretty boy with it? I can just about hold back the ‘crazy’ for a few hours when I first meet people, but to try and paraphrase my craziness into a short paragraph, whilst also attempting to portray at least an ounce of personality and not sound like an utter arse is something of a challenge!

            I assumed that the best approach to this challenge was to research – that’s what I do best after all (ok, fine, I do cyber stalking best, but that’s essentially a form of slightly creepy research, so shh). However, this just confused me even more. It seems that guys have a fairly solid idea of how to do this – you get a mix of the super creative types, who write mini witty essays that present a perfect little bundle of dateability potential wrapped up with questionable hair, skinny fits and black framed glasses, or you get the slightly less highbrow rugby types, with photos of them out drinking and traveling around Thailand, followed by a list of favourite foods and “must like rugby and beer’ in their “Looking For” box.

I think we all know which side of the fence I am going to fall on with this one, but there is just no way that I can include “beer is best, rugby is my life” in my summary section and not sound like I bat for the other team. Plus, it would be a lie, and then I would have to explain on date one (or two, depending on whether I can brush up on my lying skills) that actually beer makes my stomach hurt and I love rugby, but it’s an enjoyment factor that’s based purely on the shorts.  Well, shorts and thighs.

So, stalking boys was no help at all, do you think the girls section was any better though? Nope. Once I had gotten over how many insanely hot single girls there are in London (honestly men, what’s wrong with you all!), I then found myself facing some truly terrifying Personal Statement style profiles.  “I am a genuine blend of true intellect, sophistication and style, wrapped up in a professional coat of designer clothing and immaculate style.” Wowza, even if that was true for me there is absolutely no way that I would be able to bring myself to write this – she’s shamelessly waving the Crazy Flag with pride. Mine would be more like: “I am a total and utter klutz, I can’t eat a meal without spilling, red wine and white carpets don’t mix well in my company and I slip up on nothing more times that I can count in a single day. I still wear clothes that I’ve had since first year of University because I can’t bring myself to throw them away and I hate shopping for anything other than books, wine or food.” Yeah, maybe not.

I’m going to work on trying to find a vague middle ground for this, but in the meantime, I’ve come across another conundrum- what about photos?  Do I just use ones that show me drunk with my girls (which are pretty much all the snaps I have, other than me being a bridesmaid, and I don’t think that this is really the time or the place, is it!)? Do I go for ones that paint some sort of a personality picture (this is me on a boat, this is me with a book, this is me with a wine and gin cocktail that tasted amazing but broke me the next day)? Or just opt for the ones where I am skinniest, hottest and look as little like my actual self as possible?

The fear of actually have to go on a date where the person arrives and knows instantly that I deliberately picked lying photos would just be too much for me to deal with, but the chances of actually getting a date are surely increased considerably by using the hotter photos.     

I’m not even started, and this game is already starting to prove a fair bit more stressful than I was really anticipating!

Baby steps

According to The Slut Rules, we don’t have to be fully live online until Valentines Day, which means that we have a good few weeks to mentally plan our approach to this game, and to work out ‘how’ we want to look on our profiles.

            Scarily, Sugar M has powered ahead and is already live and fishing on PlentyOfFish (or was we like to see it, she’s already live and ‘poffing’).

            It’s getting to be about that time then I guess. Maybe I’ll sit and go through my Facebook profile album to work out which pictures I might use – that’s a good solid starting point, right?

T-Bag with history

Whilst working her way around a number of high flying jobs in the States, T-Bag has had some previous experience trying her hand at a bit of online fishing, and she has now (seeing as we’re all signed up and in acceptance of The Rules), admitted that it resulted in some very dubious messages.

            Today, she sent us two examples, and I have to admit, I’m a bit scared about getting started on this slightly questionable adventure. Want to see why? Yeah you do.

Example Number One:

Dear,

I am very much impressed to read the details about you. I am 21 years’ old and studying in the indian city Chandigarh. I am an Indian and I have been living in the city of Chandigarh, which situate in north india.

At present I am also learning German. I belong to the Sikh Religion and I wear a turban. I would like to make friendship with you and shall be very thankful to you if you please send me your photo. Next time I will also send you my photograph and also few pictures from India.

Bhupinder Sign Bajwa

(Yeah, he wasn’t looking for an American bride or anything was he? He couldn't even be bothered to work out who he was addressing the email to!)

Example Number Two:

(Subject: you are very deep)

 I see you like to write and are very creative.

I like that in a person. I too am very creative and perhaps we can create something together.

I know I aint the best looking cat in town but I am the most sincere and affectionate person you’ll ever meet.

I have only been in love 4 times in my life and I want the next one to last forever.

Scott

(As if the total lack of grammar wasn’t enough, check out the photo! Oh that photo – where to start Scott?! Why have you taken your pets to work? What’s with the dual ferret arrangement?  Did you make that weird handcuff art in the background? What the hell kind of creation were you hoping to make with our poor T-Bag!? No, no thank you love - good luck in your search though sweetie.)

Good God I hope there is some sort of screening process that we can invoke on this game. I’m scared. I’m oh so scared!

The time has come - Meeting One

The time has come - the first few weeks of January have passed in a blur of healthy eating, self-improvement and minimal alcohol (I say minimal because to be honest, I failed at remaining dry for the month, but let’s not dwell on that!) and we have now found ourselves looking at the back end of January and the start of a shared resolution for the year. We’re taking the plunge, we’re creating profiles, and we’re going fishing for men online. Bold.

            Last night marked the first of our monthly Slutty Suppers Club meetings, a dinner party arrangement with a difference; it’s sort of like a book club, but sluttier, and with less books and more online dating sites providing the main stream of our conversations.

            As our first meeting, last night was less about the disastrous experiences we had (those details are still to come), and more about talking ourselves into the game again (now that it’s time to poop or get off the pot, as I believe the expression goes), with the very necessary aid of wine (yeah, yeah, yeah, I drank. Again!) So with a laptop to hand, and with all the key dating sites bookmarked, and ready for investigation, we made our plans.

            First up, names. In normal blog world, nicknames or personal details are more than enough to describe the participants in my sad old life, but with the freedom to chose their own character names, we have come up with the following: Philaperve, T-Bag, Tits McGee, The Sausage Hunter and Sugarminge. I’m a little sad that I don’t get to come up with my own utterly bizarre name, but seeing as wine is back in my life again now, I think that’s probably for the best – it would only end up being entirely inappropriate, and that wouldn’t be good for any of us…just don’t tell Sugarminge that I said that.

            So, we’ve got the names sorted, what about the game rules? You might have assumed that this was just a moral support group for those a little but wary of trying out online dating for the first time, and you’d partly be right. But also, partly wrong, because everything I do has to have a competitive edge, and so we have to come up with a couple of goals for us all to aspire to reach each month.

            Month one – from now until Valentines Day, we have set ourselves a fairly relaxed introductory target of getting profiles up and running, just to start the process off. Valentines Day evening will then be spent at some sort of vile Singles Night, where gin will inevitably be required by the bucket load, before we will be onto the first proper month of activity. Not only do we each have to have gone on two dates (only from people we have found online – any random arrangements are just for bonus points), but we also have to have taken the initiative and actively sent out emails to at least six hotties who we have not spoken to before – backdated follow ups and familiar faces are not allowed.

            It’s all in the name of fun, but anyone who fails to achieve the targets has to suffer the forfeit. Initially, we were going to make this a drink related challenge, but after further consideration, we decided that if you’re not using your profiles to the best of you abilities, someone else should do it for you. Therefore, failures will be required to hand over control of their profiles to the other Sluts to make some decisions on your behalf. This might only be for the length of time that we are still at dinner, but I think we will be able to have enough of an influence by then to get the ball rolling properly.

            It’s full steam ahead for the six of us now – I think it’s likely that we will all be spending the odd hour here and there searching through photos of ourselves and scanning other peoples profiles to get a better feel of how exactly we want to be viewed by the online dating world. When you look at other people’s profiles, it’s very easy to make snap judgements about who the crazies are, which boys are clearly lying about their life, and those who look fairly normal and are just having a bit of fun with their online searches, testing out the waters. Getting the balance right will be a bit tricky, but I’m just glad we’ve set ourselves nearly a full month to get this sorted, as I might need to arrange some sort of Photoshop and creative writing lessons to get myself ready for this. Darn, I knew I should have started planning sooner!